Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf
by Angry Lobster
Summary: Edward and Jacob argue about sparkling, intimate biting, and various other subjects. Funny drabbles.
1. Chapter 1

**My first Twilight fanfic. This is a bit of fluff that I needed to get out of my head. Hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: Twilight not mine.**

_An Argument between a Vampire and a Werewolf _

"Listen, Edward. I just don't get it. It makes no logical sense."

"Yes, Jacob, because morphing into a wolf is completely logical."

"Sure it is. It's the solution to having bloodsuckers as next-door neighbors. Duh. But explain to me the advantages of _twinkling_ in sunlight."

"It has...advantages."

"What, are you photosynthetic? Now _that_ would be cool."

"Sorry, Jacob, as far as I know I am not a ficus."

"I'm just saying...it _would_ be cool. And you know it."

"Sure..."

"Alright then, Cullen. Give me one advantage."

"I don't see why this is important."

"Come on, Edward! You are a freaking vampire. You're supposed to be scary and mean. You drink blood and eat children and stuff. You're not supposed to _sparkle_."

"I do not eat children."

"Irrelevant."

"Well, Jacob, perhaps you can explain to me the advantages of exploding out of your clothes every time you turn wolf."

"Easy. The ladies like it."

"That's debatable."

"You are so stalling because you know I'm right. There are no advantages to sparkling in the sun! Other than, like, doing a really good impression of glitter."

"Haha, very funny. I do excellent impressions of A.C. Moore merchandise. Now please go away and practice your impression of Lassie."

"At least Lassie has a purpose. You decorate macaroni."

"You know, Jacob, sparkling in the sun is not the only thing a vampire can do. We are also excellent at biting, shredding, and snapping the necks of annoying wolfboys."

"What was that? I was distracted by your shimmering."

"Get out of my house, Jacob."

"You are such a sore loser. Whatsamatter, Cullen? Can't stand to lose a debate? Feeling a little inferior?"

"No, Jacob, I just don't like you."

"Well, too bad. Bella invited me over."

"You know that Bella sparkles in the sun too, don't you? I don't see you ridiculing her."

"Yeah, but it's cool for a girl. Dudes shouldn't sparkle."

"You think sparkling lessens my masculinity?"

"Yup. At least two notches."

"Hah! Go ahead and think you're more masculine, but you're overlooking something important. _I'm_ made of marble."

"Yeah, so?"

"So let that sink in when you order your first Viagra prescription."

**Thanks for reading! I'd love to know who you think won the argument :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**I really enjoy writing these Edward/Jacob drabbles, so I've decided to add another chapter. I'll probably be churning out several more after this. Hope you enjoy!**

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"Edward?"

"What, Jacob?"

"Can I, um, ask you something?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

"On whether or not you'll go away after I answer you."

"Sure, sure."

"So...? What do you want to ask me?"

"Well, this, uh, well it's not really easy to say out loud."

"Shall I get you a pencil?"

"Dude, shut up! I'm being serious here."

"Well then get on with it!"

"Alright, jeez, vampires are so damn pushy."

"And werewolves are so damn slow. What, Jacob!?"

"Well, you see, it's like this. I'm, uh, having some trouble."

"Trouble with what?"

"..."

"Trouble sleeping? Trouble eating? Trouble formulating complete sentences?"

"No, I'm, uh, having some trouble controlling my teeth."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, man. I can't control my teeth."

"Under what circumstances, Jacob?"

"..."

"You can't stop chattering them? You have a toothache? You forgot to remove the candy wrapper again?"

"Dude, that was one time."

"Jacob, _please_ explain yourself?"

"I can't control my teeth under...intimate...circumstances."

"_Oh_."

"And well I just figured, with you being a bloodsucking monster and all, that you've probably had some, well, experience with this kind of thing? I mean, right? You've had trouble...biting things...during those _intimate_ times. Right?"

"Hmm."

"Edward, you've got to help me, man. If I chew through another night stand...well, a guy only has so many night stands. And then I spend the whole next day spitting out splinters. And frankly, I can't stand the taste of lemon Pledge any longer. And what if I start biting...living things?"

"I see."

"Tell me you've figured this out, Edward. I mean, you're a _vampire_. You've had biting problems, too, right?"

"I can relate."

"What's your secret, dude?"

"Hmm, my secret. Well, _my_ secret involves...feathers. But at any rate, I think I've got a solution for you."

"Yes! I knew you'd come through for me, Ed. You're awesome."

"Don't call me Ed."

"Sure, sure."

"Listen, Jacob, here's my advice. Get to a computer."

"Uh, huh."

"Log on to eBay."

"Okay, sure."

"Buy a muzzle."

--

**I love reviews! **


	3. Chapter 3

**These arguments are so fun to write, and I'm really appreciating the feedback! I really hope you like this one...I wrote it very late at night after looking at a picture of Edward (aka Rob Pattinson). Hope I don't disturb you too much :)**

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"Jacob, can you please just drop this."

"Um, no way! This is freaking important!"

"This is not important."

"It is _so_ important. Like 'turn the ship because here comes an iceberg' important."

"You're comparing my hair to an event that killed hundreds of people? Thank you very much."

"Look dude, I just want to know _why_ it sticks up like that like all the time! I think it's a valid question!"

"Why on earth would that be a valid question?"

"Because frankly, I think it's a safety hazard."

"_What_?"

"Come on Edward! Imagine if you decided to tilt your head just the wrong way and BAM! You impale someone!"

"Somehow I cannot imagine that."

"Well you should! I can already see the headlines. 'Man Killed When Skewered With Extremely Pointy Hair.'"

"How about 'Irritating Werewolf Skewered with Extremely Pointy Hair?'"

"My point exactly!"

"Jacob, unless I decide to start acting like a rhinoceros, I don't think I'm a danger."

"Fine then. If you want to endanger the world for the sake of _vanity_, go right ahead. But when you've speared someone with your head, don't say I didn't warn you."

"Why do you come to my house, Jacob?"

"Why is your hair perpendicular to your forehead, Edward?"

"Perhaps it became that way when a certain house pest drove me mad."

"I knew it! Rosalie does it!"

"Rosalie does not do my hair!"

"Fine, then. I'll guess why your hair is like that, and you can just nod yes or no."

"Will you please go back to the pound?"

"You were flying a kite during a thunderstorm?"

"Jacob_..."_

"You decided to live with bats for a few decades?"

"_Jacob_."

"Wait! I've got it! You swallowed dynamite!"

"_JACOB!"_

"That's it, right? Because if I ever became a vampire, not that I, like, _ever_ would, I would definitely want to try something stunty like that. Just to test it, you know?"

"Jacob, I have _never_ been electrocuted _or_ lived with bats _or_ exploded internally!"

"Then why is your hair like that?! Dude, just tell me!"

"Tell ME, Jacob, why is _your_ hair always dirty and shaggy?"

"Um, because I'm too busy to sit around _grooming_ myself. Duh. You still haven't told me why you look like you ate a lightbulb."

"Did you ever think that Bella likes my hair like this?"

"Woe, seriously?"

"Yes."

"Has she said that out loud?"

"Well..."

"Has she?!"

"I, well, I don't recall exactly."

"Hah! She so has NOT!"

"She has so!"

"Yeah, so _not!"_

"She hasn't said it out loud, but she...runs her hands through it."

"Probably trying to calm it down."

"Get out of my house, Jacob."

"Edward's hair is alive...hyuk"

"_OUT!_"

"Sure, I'll leave, but on one condition."

"Anything!"

"The next time you're going to swallow dynamite, can I watch?"

--

**Thanks for reading! Now push that review button :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey all! Unfortunately this chapter marks the end of my fall break so I don't know when I'll have the next update. Probably pretty soon though, since these arguments tend to get stuck in my head. Thanks for reading, LOVING the feedback!! **

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"Edward?"

"Jacob."

"Can we talk?"

"Aren't we?"

"I mean about something specific."

"What would that be?"

"Pants."

"What?"

"You know, pants. The things you wear on the lower half of your body. Um, trousers, if that's how you roll."

"Jacob, I know what pants are. I just don't understand why we are talking about them."

"Well, I sort of have a pants question."

"_Okay_."

"Dude, you make this so difficult."

"Excuse me?"

"I can't talk to you. You're so condescending with that little accent of yours..."

"Jacob, I don't have an accent."

"Yeah, man, you do. Have you ever listened to yourself on tape?"

"Yes, and there is no accent."

"It's like snob language."

"I'm speaking English, Jacob."

"Sure, whatever."

"I thought you had a question about pants."

"I do. I'm getting to that."

"I have things to do this century."

"Oh yeah? Got a date?"

"Jacob, I'm married."

"Oh, right. Going food shopping?"

"Um, I'm a _vampire_."

"Well, I was just thinking, if you happened to stop by a Giant or something, you could maybe pick up some more Lucky Charms."

"Since when do I buy you Lucky Charms?"

"Since I finished off the eight-pound bag in your kitchen."

"Seriously, Jacob?"

"I couldn't stop myself. They were magically delicious."

"Fine, I will tell Esme to buy some more Lucky Charms, but only if you ask your question about pants already."

"Deal."

"Great."

"Well, I was just wondering if you could make me some pants."

"_What?"_

"I know, I know. But I need a special kind of pants, and I'm not really sure where to buy them."

"Um, Big and Tall?"

"That's not what I mean. And I happen to special order my size at the Gap, thank you."

"Then why on earth would you need me to make you pants?"

"I need pants with snap-buttons on the side that I can just, like, rip off really fast!"

"I believe you can buy those sort of pants at a Modell's, Jacob. Shall I get Alice to bring you a catalogue?"

"Well, no."

"Why _not_?"

"Because when I go to rip off the ones they sell at Modell's, I kind of just end of ripping them. Like into pieces."

"Can't you control yourself at all, Jacob?"

"Um, not really! Not at those times!"

"So basically you're asking me to fashion you chain-mail pants with snap-buttons on the sides?"

"Well, not chain-mail, because that would probably ride up. But something really, really strong. Like teflon! And you don't have to _fashion_ them. You know, just sew 'em up."

"I really need to start dead-bolting the front door."

"Please, man! This is urgent! I'm running out of pants! Pretty soon I'm going to start coming over here...pants-less!"

"You could just stop coming over here."

"Do I have to get down on my knees?!"

"Fine, Jacob. Because you are required to wear clothes in my house, I will talk to Alice about making you super-strong snap-off pants. Then you can stop shredding your pants whenever you go wolf."

"Hmm..."

"You do need them for when you go wolf, right?"

"Sure..."

--

**Don't ask where this idea came from, because frankly I do not know. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Alright, I definitely should have been studying when I wrote this. Seriously. Thanks for reading!**

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"Come on Edward, you _know_ you're wrong this time."

"I am _not_ wrong."

"Sure, and neither was the guy who invented plus-size Spandex."

"_Jacob_, why do you even care?"

"Um, dude, some people just aren't meant to wear Spandex."

"I'm not talking about Spandex! I mean, why do you care who is scarier?"

"_Why_ do I care who is scarier? Are you kidding?! That's like asking why I care about, like, _breathing_ or...deodorant."

"Since when do you care about deodorant?"

"Since I decided that you should definitely start wearing it."

"What are you talking about? I don't smell!"

"Um, you do to me. Here, I bought you an air freshener."

"Jacob, this is new car smell."

"Better than nasty bloodsucker smell."

"I am not hanging this in my house."

"It's not for your house. It's for you. Here, you can loop that around your neck."

"I am not looping it around my neck!"

"Fine, whatever! Jeez, a guy gets you a present and all you do is yell at him. _Typical._"

"Jacob, you accused me of smelling bad and gave me a scented pine tree to wear as a necklace."

"Dude, I didn't _accuse you of _anything. I _know_ you smell bad."

"Get out of my house, Jacob."

"Hah! See, you can't think of a single reason why vampires are scarier than werewolves so you just send me away!"

"I have plenty of reasons. You distracted me."

"Your odor distracted you."

"I don't have an odor!"

"Still no reasons!"

"God! How are you so annoying!?"

"Years of practice."

"Okay, Jacob, how about the fact that vampires _drink blood_?"

"Um, yeah, that's about as terrifying as oatmeal."

"How is drinking blood not scary?"

"Because anyone can do that if they really set their mind to it. But let's see just anyone turn into a terrifying, gigantic, snarling werewolf."

"Sure, a werewolf that is capable solely of biting and scratching and causing a ruckus. A vampire can draw you in, entice your mind, and then strike at the perfect moment."

"Hmm...tear you limb from limb or _entice your mind? _Um, how are you scary at all?"

"Perhaps I should bite you to demonstrate."

"I'm sorry, what? My mind was being enticed."

"Well I don't see how a barking dog is any scarier!"

"Dude, it's all about presentation. When I'm about to attack a bear, I look like I'm ready to fight it to the bloody end. You look like you want to sell it a polo shirt."

"Excuse me?"

"Come on, Edward! You wore a turtleneck and cackies the last time you went hunting! You looked about as frightening as a Hollister employee going for a hike."

"Jacob, are you aware that I have several medical degrees?"

"So what? Is that supposed to scare me?"

"Yes, Jacob, it is. Because I'm thinking of a new place to put that air freshener, and it's not around your neck."

--

**Reviews make everything better :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**I only had thirty minutes to churn out an argument today, so this is a little short. Hope you enjoy!**

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"Edward?"

"Jacob."

"I have an idea."

"That's nice. Go away."

"No, seriously man. It's an like an epic idea."

"Epic?"

"Yeah, like 'hey the earth is actually round' kind of epic."

"Okay...so what is it?"

"So _now_ you want to hear it?"

"You've got my attention."

"Well maybe I don't want to tell you now."

"Jacob, a second ago you were dying to tell me."

"Well a second ago I forgot that you owed me money."

"What? I don't owe you money."

"Um, yeah, you do. Remember that time you needed money, and I, like, gave it to you?"

"Jacob, I would rather swallow my left hand than ask you for money."

"Dude, can you do that?!"

"I prefer not to consume my limbs."

"Come on, man! If you eat your hand I'll totally tell you my idea!"

"Let me way my options for a moment. Hmm...I think I'll _not_ attempt cannibalism and you can _not_ tell me your idea, or even stop talking to me altogether. For a few years, preferably."

"Fine, Cullen. Who wants to talk to a guy who borrows fifty dollars and doesn't pay it back, anyway?"

"I don't owe you fifty dollars, Jacob!"

"Whatever, man. I understand if you don't have it. I can be the bigger man."

"You think _you're_ the bigger man?"

"In more ways than one."

"Jacob_, if_ I owed you fifty dollars, I would pay you back this instant. Seeing as I _do_ _not_, you can have what's behind Door Number 1."

"Um, what's behind Door Number 1?"

"The exit. Now leave."

"Dude, that was totally not funny! I thought you were actually going to give me something!"

"Isn't my sanity enough?"

"I don't know. Is your sanity worth the fifty dollars I gave you?"

"Jacob, is this your way of asking me for money?"

"Is this your way of saying you're going to give it to me?"

"Jacob, if you will, allow me to give you a little monetary advice."

"_Okay_, what would that be?"

"If you really want a guy to give you money, don't let him catch you with his daughter."

--

**Poor Edward. Perhaps I should stop torturing him with Jacob. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for all your feedback! Seriously, I do a little jump of joy for every new message from that fanfiction bot. Hope you like!**

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"I'm just saying it seems unfair."

"_How_ is it unfair, Jacob?"

"It's not fair that you don't ever have to sleep, and I have to put in eight hours a night. Do you have any idea what I could do with that eight hours?"

"I try not to think about it."

"So while I'm asleep and _useless _the entire night, you're up and doing whatever the heck you want to."

"I think it's rather pleasant. And quiet."

"It's freaking unfair!"

"No, Jacob, it's not fair. Eight hours of peace is not nearly enough to make up for the sixteen hours of non-stop annoyance."

"Well maybe I'd be less annoying if I had eight more hours of down-time each day."

"Maybe you'd be less annoying if you got a job."

"Well why don't you have a job? _You_ have all that spare time."

"Why would I need a job when I'm paid to remove you from my house each day?"

"_You are?"_

"It's an emotional payment."

"Dude, it's like you're not even a vampire."

"Last I checked I'm not a fairy."

"I mean, like, aren't _real_ vampires sleeping in coffins all day?"

"Aren't real dogs kept on leashes?"

"If you don't have a coffin I can totally hook you up, dude."

"Jacob, I don't _need_ a coffin because I don't sleep. And even if I did, I wouldn't do so in a coffin."

"Not enough room in there, huh?"

"Perhaps you'd like to find out for yourself."

"Not necessary, man. I've already napped in a coffin."

"_What?"_

"It was rather comfy."

"Why on earth would you sleep in a coffin, Jacob?"

"I was tired. There was the coffin. Then I was unconscious, and in it."

"Um, don't you have a bed?"

"Sometimes."

"Sometimes?"

"Well not when I'm in a morgue."

"What were you doing in a morgue?"

"Well I wasn't dead."

"That's evident."

"You know, I was just chilling out...with the dead people. It's likely that I was, well, hiding."

"From?"

"Emmet."

"You were hiding from Emmet in a morgue?"

"Well, yeah."

"May I ask why?"

"I might have stolen his boxers. And he might have found out and threatened to strangle me with them."

"Do I even want to know why you had Emmet's boxers?"

"Probably not. But I won the dare."

"Jacob, you are truly repulsive."

"I am truly sixty dollars richer."

"Great. Use it to buy yourself some medication."

"I wouldn't have gotten caught if you people slept at all! Like _normal_ vampires."

"I'm sorry we don't fit into your stereotype."

"Me too. That would've made stealing _your_ boxers a whole lot easier."

--

**Don't worry. He gave them back. Slightly frozen.**


	8. Chapter 8

**I have a severe case of 'get the voices in my head to shut up.' And by voices I mean Jacob and Edward. **

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"Edward, do you have a second?"

"No."

"You're immortal. Don't you kind of have a lot of seconds?"

"No."

"Are you okay, dude?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

"On how long you plan to stay in this room."

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"_I don't sleep._"

"Oh, right. Someone forgot to...suck blood out of a deer this morning. It doesn't have the same ring to it."

"Is there a reason you're pestering me?"

"I'm not _pestering_. I'm attempting to have a nice conversation. You're the one whose acting constipated."

"If only that were my problem."

"Man, you _need_ to work on your social skills."

"What do you want, Jacob?"

"Well, you see, I sort of need your help with something."

"Can't you go ask someone else? I think Jasper's around."

"Well, no."

"_Why not_?"

"Jasper still hasn't taken the 'No Dogs' sign off his door."

"_That_ stops you from entering?"

"See, there's sort of a drawing of a dog on it, and, well, it's missing some parts. It kind of scares me."

"I'm going out."

"Um, where?"

"A.C. Moore. I need construction paper."

"Wait! I really need to talk to you!"

"I think you've assaulted my mental health enough for the day."

"Really, dude! It's super serious. Like nuclear bomb serious."

"Is someone hurt?"

"Well, no."

"Is there a fire?"

"..."

"Jacob, you started a fire!?"

"Define fire."

"Um, something_ burning!"_

"What if the burning's already stopped?"

"Jacob! What did you set on fire!?"

"Well, technically I didn't _set_ _it_ on fire. It just sort of...ignited. Like evil fire."

"What did you do, Jacob?"

"How much do you like your couch?"

"_You set my couch on fire?!"_

"It was an accident! I was just sitting there, writing a letter, and everything just...combusted."

"How could everything just _combust_!?"

"I dunno...friction?"

"_Jacob_!"

"I may have lit a candle."

"You did what?!"

"It smelled like buttered popcorn. I liked it."

"Jacob, I am going to exterminate you, dice you into tiny pieces, and feed you to bears!"

"Thats...visual. And totally uncalled for."

"No, Jacob. I think at this point, the law permits me to kill you!"

"Well it wasn't totally my fault!"

"Jacob, you went in _my _room, sat on _my_ couch, and then you started a fire! How is it not completely your fault?"

"I'm not the one who keeps scented candles in my room."

--

**Reviews equal love 3**


	9. Chapter 9

**Woo! It's been a busy week so I haven't posted in a little while, but here's the latest argument. Hope you like :)**

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"Edward!?"

"Yes?"

"I have a bone to pick with you."

"Do you?"

"Yeah. And you know what, it's not even one of those little bones. It's a freaking femur."

"I see."

"Don't act like you don't know what this is about, because I _know_ you do."

"Enlighten me."

"Someone made a pie and left it out on the counter."

"Since when is pie a crime?"

"Since it had _dog_ _food_ in it!"

"Did it really?"

"Um, yes!"

"That's creative."

"So I walk into the kitchen and I see this pie sitting there, and I'm like 'Hey, awesome. Pie's the shiz.' So after I finished it--

"Jacob, you ate the _whole thing_?"

"I was hungry! Like 'haven't eaten in over two hours' kind of hungry. And I didn't know it was made of dog food! I only realized when I saw the Beggin' Strips wrapper in the garbage can, and then I remembered that normal pie doesn't usually taste like bacon. And then, well...blek."

"Blek?"

"Dude, I would not open that garbage can."

"Ew."

"I know it was you! Who else would resort to that sort of evilness? Corrupt something as innocent as pie..."

"..."

"Stop laughing! It's totally not funny!"

"..."

"Dude, shut up! I'm going to tell Bella on you."

"...Jacob...as much as I'd love to own up to feeding you dog food pie, it truly wasn't me."

"Oh, really? Then who was it?"

"I honestly don't know."

"Dude, you are so lying."

"Maybe it was your own fault for eating random pie."

"You're all _vampires_! Who brings pie into the house if it's not for me!?"

"Perhaps someone who knew you would eat it."

"Tell me who!!"

"Jacob, take a moment and think. Who have you irritated lately? Other than me."

"Hmm... Is Jasper still steamed about that whole 'yogurt in his sneakers' situation? Because I thought we resolved that."

"You put yogurt in Jasper's sneakers?"

"Mango-flavored."

"_Jacob!_"

"What? He windexed my socks!"

"Because your socks smell like something died in them!"

"And I'm sure _your_ socks smell like sunshine."

"They do."

"Well good for you. Not all of us sit around perfuming our socks."

"No, some of us just bathe."

"I bathe!"

"With soap?"

"Yes!"

"In a shower?"

"..."

"Jacob!"

"Dude, this is so irrelevant."

"You act like a dog all the time and you're surprised when someone feeds you dog food."

"You act like a mosquito all the time and I don't see anyone chasing you with a fly swatter."

"Luckily you sleep at night."

"Wait. Dude, I think I just figured out who committed this betrayal of pie."

"Really? Who?"

"Rosalie."

"I highly doubt that Rosalie would ever touch dog food."

"Nope. I know it was her."

"How?"

"Well...I may have snuck into her bathroom this morning and switched her Pantene Pro-V with green hair dye. She's probably a few degrees angrier with green hair."

"Jacob."

"What?"

"Rosalie doesn't use Pantene Pro-V."

"Really? Who does?"

"I do."

"Heh. I thought you looked a little leafy. Didn't make the connection."

"Jacob, I'm going to kill you."

"Not so happy about bathing now, huh?"

--

**Your reviews are very motivating!!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Ten chapters! Yay! Sorry about the wait for this update, I've had a mountain of work to do lately. Thanks for the wonderful reviewing and I hope you enjoy!**

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"Edward?"

"_What_?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I said no questions."

"Jeez...okay."

"The front door is down the hall and to the left."

"I know where the front door is."

"Great. Why don't you walk through it?"

"Why don't _you_ walk through it?"

"Because I live here, Jacob."

"And I don't?"

"Theoretically, no."

"Then why is there always food in the fridge for me?"

"Because certain members of this family refuse to allow you to starve to death."

"Aw, that's nice."

"I'm not one of them."

"Come on, man. You know you love me."

"If by love you mean frequently want to strangle, then yes, I do."

"Love hurts."

"So does being punched in the jaw by a vampire."

"Two words, man-- anger management."

"I could easily manage my anger by getting rid of _you_."

"Or by, like, getting some psychotherapy."

"You would know."

"So can I ask my question now?"

"Any chance you'll just leave me alone?"

"A very slim chance. And it involves me randomly going unconscious."

"That can be arranged."

"Look, dude, I was just wondering, what would happen if you drank a whole tub of pea soup?"

"Excuse me?"

"You know, pea soup. It's green and kind of barf-like, but overall sort of incredible."

"Jacob, I know what pea soup is."

"Then what don't you understand about the question?"

"Um, why on earth you're asking it."

"Because, well, Bella told me that if you eat actual human food it just, like, un-eats itself."

"_So_?"

"So if you were to eat like two big tubs of pea soup, would it all come whooshing back out at once?"

"I suppose. Why do you care?"

"Because I think you should do it."

"No."

"Right in front of Rosalie."

"No."

"Preferably facing Rosalie."

"_No_."

"Please! Pretty please! Come on, dude. It would be freaking insane! Like 'hey I just invented fire' insane!"

"Jacob, I am not puking pea soup onto Rosalie. And that's final."

"Too scared, huh?"

"I am _not_ scared. Unlike you, I have something called a conscience."

"Yeah, which basically means you're too scared."

"Jacob, do you have any idea what would happen if I puked pea soup on Rosalie?"

"You'd be recruited for the next _Exorcist_ movie?"

"No, Rosalie would kill me. As in rip my throat out, claw me to pieces, and then set me on fire."

"Oh."

"And then she would kill you, Jacob. Slowly. And probably using sharp utensils. And after she was done with you, she would sell your remains to gypsies."

"I see."

"Allow me to use a metaphor to make this clearer. Rosalie is a bit like a nuclear bomb. Light a certain fuse, and she will explode and kill everything."

"Uh huh."

"Pea soup coming out of me and landing on her would light that fuse. Understand?"

"Sure, sure."

"Great. Now go away."

"Wait. I just have one more question."

"_What?!"_

"Can we still do it?"

---

**Personally, I think he should do it. But that's just me. **

**I'm thinking about having Jacob argue with a different character for next chapter. Emmet, Jasper, Rosalie, or Bella? **


	11. Chapter 11

**So here it is: Jacob versus Rosalie. This was definitely a fun one to write. **

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"Get out of my way before I turn your face into jig-saw puzzle."

"Get out of _my_ way before I turn your hairspray into an explosive."

"I'm sorry, dog. This bathroom is _mine_. Why don't you go find yourself a nice fire hydrant?"

"Okay, sure. I thought I saw one in your room. I'll just use that."

"Jacob Black, if you set one foot in my room don't expect to come out with feet."

"Hey Rosalie! Why couldn't the blonde remember how many days there were in a week?"

"I really don't care."

"Because she was wearing mittens!"

"Haha, very funny. Almost as funny as my nails shredding you into ground meat."

"You know, you should seriously consider filing those things. Like at least once a century. At this point I'm surprised everything you touch doesn't bleed."

"I'm surprised everything _you_ touch doesn't smell. Oh wait, it does."

"And blocking me from using the bathroom will definitely make that situation better. Intelligent thinking, Rosalie. Very blonde of you."

"There are six bathrooms in this house, mutt. Why don't you just use a different one?"

"Because I was here before you. And where I come from, that means I get the bathroom first."

"Yes, well, where you come from they have yet to invent soap."

"Um, where you came from they had yet to invent television. I think I win here."

"I think you're two seconds away from becoming very intimate with tile floor."

"At that point it might be wet tile floor."

"_Gross! _You are a disgusting pig."

"You are a disgusting example of hair dye gone wrong."

"_This is my natural color._"

"You're right. No one can fake that stupidity."

"At least I'm smart enough to know when my life is in danger. A skill you apparently never developed."

"At least _I_ developed."

"_Jacob Black, get out of my sight this instant!!"_

"No problem, Rosalie! Just walk out that door there and close it behind you. I'd definitely like to be out of your sight while I use the toilet."

"You are _not _using this bathroom! This is my bathroom and I am using it!!"

"What on earth are you using it for!? I mean I know you haven't gone in like eighty years, but I thought vampires didn't do that kind of thing."

"We don't! I need to fix my hair in front of the mirror, you imbecile!"

"Sorry, but I think no matter how long you spend in here you'll still scare small children."

"At least I don't act like a small child!"

"At least I can have a small child!"

"OUT! OUT NOW! _I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU, YOU CRETIN!"_

"Hah! I'd love to see you try!"

"Great! Because you're about to!"

"Yeah right! You won't go anywhere near me while I'm using the toilet!"

"_Jacob Black, if you go near that toilet EXPECT TO BE VIOLATED!!"_

"I knew you were waiting for an excuse!"

---

**Luckily Emmet stepped in and stopped Rosalie from drowning Jacob in the toilet.**

**Yay for reviews!!! **


	12. Chapter 12

**Back to Jacob/Edward for this one. Thanks for all the positive feedback on the Rosalie argument!! I should be able to write more once final exams are over. **

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"Jacob?"

"Yeah dude?"

"Can I ask what you are doing?"

"Sure, go right ahead."

"Jacob, what are you doing?"

"You know, just chillin."

"Chilling?"

"Yeah."

"On the roof of my house?"

"Oh, I'm on the roof? I hadn't noticed."

"Why are you on my roof, Jacob?"

"Why are you on your roof, Edward?"

"I'm quite sure that anyone would investigate a werewolf sitting on their roof."

"I wouldn't."

"Yes, well, you are slightly abnormal."

"Said the vampire."

"It wasn't the vampire who was randomly lurking on someone's roof."

"But it was the vampire who snuck up on a guy who was sitting on a roof. That's dangerous, dude. I could have, like, plummeted."

"Somehow I think you'd survive."

"You don't know that. What if I landed on something pointy? Like your hair?"

"What a tragedy that would be."

"Totally."

"Jacob?"

"Hmm?"

"Get off my roof."

"Why? I'm not hurting anyone."

"You're scaring my family."

"Awesome."

"Rosalie is threatening to kill you."

"That's new?"

"Could you please just tell me what you're doing up here?"

"Look, dude, I just needed a minute to think."

"You do that now?"

"I'm serious, man. I've got some stuff on my mind."

"What stuff?"

"Well, my goldfish."

"Your goldfish?"

"Yeah man. They didn't make it through the night. I'm a little shaken up."

"You had goldfish?"

"Dude, could you show a little sympathy?"

"Oh, I'm, uh, sorry for your loss, Jacob."

"Thank you, Edward."

"I didn't know you had any pets."

"Yeah, well, I did. Until Rosalie murdered them."

"Rosalie murdered your goldfish?"

"She threw them in fire."

"Oh my God."

"Yeah, when I'm done mourning I'm going fill her closet with tuna fish."

"Jacob..."

"You think I'm not going to avenge them?! I really loved those goldfish! I even had names for all of them! Goldey, Jacob Junior, Bird, Little Fins...I'm going to miss them."

"Bird?"

"You so suck at comforting."

"Sorry, Jacob. I'm sure Bird is...in a better place."

"Yeah, I guess it was going to happen eventually. I was starting to get really hungry."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, you know that two hour period between third dinner and midnight snack? I get really hungry then. I was saving those goldfish for that."

"Jacob, were your goldfish cheese crackers?"

"No dude, they were pizza flavored."

---

**Thanks so much to everyone who reviews! I do a little cheer whenever I get one. Seriously, ask my roommate. **


	13. Chapter 13

**Hello all! So I didn't have time to write a Christmas argument until, well, this morning. So it's a little late. But I hope you all enjoy it nonetheless! **

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"Jacob?"

"Huh?"

"You smell like peppermint."

"Aw, thanks dude. I try."

"No, Jacob, you don't even smell like werewolf. You positively reek of peppermint."

"Uh, yeah. That happens."

"How can that _happen_?"

"Well, you know, it can be the result of, uh, candy canes."

"_Candy canes_?"

"Yeah dude, they're like mutilated paperclips made out of minty goodness. Probably the chillest Christmas food available to man."

"I know what a candy cane is! What I don't understand is why you seem to be becoming one."

"Oh, no worries, man. I'm not at that level yet."

"Yet? How many candy canes have you eaten today?"

"Not that many."

"Jacob, you're a walking Altoid."

"Okay, not that many for me."

"How many is that, exactly?"

"I don't know, dude. I don't really keep count. Maybe like 76."

"Seriously, Jacob?"

"I cannot resist the candy cane."

"Well take it outside. You're making my eyes water."

"Oh, is that why that's happening? I thought you were having a moment."

"Why on earth would I be having a moment?"

"I dunno. Maybe you didn't get the Christmas present you wanted."

"True. Last I checked you were still here."

"Aw, don't be like that, man. Where's your holiday spirit?"

"It ran away with my sanity."

"I'd run away too if I couldn't eat candy canes."

"Is that the secret?"

"Seriously though. How can vampires even get into the Christmas spirit when they can't eat any of the right foods? You know, like candy canes, cheese logs, brisket..."

"Brisket?"

"Family tradition."

"And _vampires_ celebrate Christmas wrong?"

"Well what do you even do on Christmas? Go out and hunt reindeer?"

"We manage."

"Sure, snuggle up to some nice deer nog."

"Go away, Jacob."

"As visions of red blood cells dance in your head."

"How'd you like for yours to dance out of your head?"

"I think I'll pass."

"Great. Pass by the front door, will you?"

"I can't go yet, dude. I came in here to give you your Christmas present."

"You got me a present?"

"Yeah, man. Merry Christmas."

"Jacob, this is a fruit cake."

"Oh, really? I thought it was a lamp."

"I'm a _vampire_. I can't eat fruit cake."

"I believe the correct reply is 'thank you.'"

"Um, thank you for the fruit cake I can't eat?"

"I'm sure there is someone else in this house who enjoys fruit cake!"

"Who? We're all vampires!"

"Not all of us."

"Jacob, do you want this fruit cake?"

"Why thank you, Edward. How thoughtful of you."

"Uh, your welcome?"

"I swear I'll pay you back the eight dollars it cost."

--

**Edward gave him the fruit cake alright.**

**Can I just say thank you, thank you, thank you for all the reviews? Okay, THANK YOU! I just screamed that. For real. **


	14. Chapter 14

**Hooray! Jacob v. Emmett! **

_Arguments between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"Look, Emmett, I don't underestimate you, man. I'm just saying I win in this particular category."

"You lose, Jake. I'm a beast in this category."

"You're a beast in every category."

"I know. So don't argue with the beast."

"I'm not. I'm just pointing out that I happen to be better at this one thing."

"If by better you mean almost as good as me, then yeah, sure you are."

"Emmett, dude, just trust me on this. I'm more snuggly!"

"You are not more snuggly! You're looking at the king of snuggly! Bow down, man."

"I'm not going to bow down when I know I'm right! I'm much snugglier."

"Jake, I'm looking right at you and I don't see any signs of snuggly."

"That's because I'm not in wolf form. That's when I'm at optimum snuggliness."

"How is a giant werewolf snuggly?"

"Uh, _fur_. Duh. Fur is like the definition of snuggly."

"I have fur."

"Not as much as me."

"Wanna bet?"

"Uh, no, Emmett. Not really."

"Good."

"But that doesn't mean you're more snuggly."

"Jake, if snuggly were a country my face would be on the money."

"And that country would die of bankruptcy because no one would trade with it. Due to lack of snuggliness!"

"I'm overflowing with snuggliness. I'm like a waterfall of snuggliness."

"Emmett, you're like a giant rock. Last I checked those weren't very snuggly."

"You've snuggled with a giant rock?"

"No, but you have. On a daily basis."

"Hey man, don't mess with the wife."

"Wife? Don't you mean demonic ice queen?"

"She may be an ice queen but she's _my_ ice queen. And she happens to think I'm _very_ snuggly."

"Firewood would seem snuggly to the source of all evil."

"Keep talking and you'll get to meet the source of all face bashings: Me."

"What a snuggly nickname."

"I'll admit you have your cuddly moments, Jake, but I still win. I am Mr. Snuggly."

"If you're Mr. Snuggly, I'm Dr. Snuggly."

"Alright, I'll tell you why I'm more snuggly than you, no doubt about it."

"Why?"

"Unlike you, I don't have to turn into a dog for people to think I'm cute."

------

**I'd take either one as a snuggle buddy, personally.**

**Want to read more funny stuff?**

Look me up at FictionPress to read an original that I've been working on. I know, totally cheesy to advertise for one story in the notes of another, but I am prone to cheesiness (as you well know).

**Thanks for reading!! **


	15. Chapter 15

**Hello all! So, uh, it's been a while....uh, sorry. My Lit. professor is descended from evil trolls, and she prefers that I spend all my time reading plays and writing papers instead of writing my fanfiction. Let's just say I've been busy. But now Spring Break is here, and I have seven days of freedom (which is sort of like eating a brownie -- when you're done you just want more) to do whatever I want. Below are some of the results of my freedom (I guess there's a reason why they keep me so busy...lol). **

**Keep in mind, I wrote this at 3 in the morning, with a fever. So if it's a little trippy, blame it on influenza. **

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"Edward?"

"What?"

"Will you take my picture?"

"No."

"What? Why?"

"You'll break my camera."

"No I won't, dude. You'll be the one taking the picture, not me, so how could I break your camera? What, did you forget how this works?"

"Sorry, I suppose I should clarify. Your _image_ will break my camera."

"Hey! If anything my image will make your camera want to live again. I bet it could use some sexiness."

"If that were the case, I wouldn't be taking _your_ picture."

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."

"Go away, Jacob. I'm not taking your picture."

"You are so mean."

"It's my natural response to pests."

"I'm not a pest. I'm just a guy who wants his picture taken. I bet you'd do it for random vacationers."

"My room is not a tourist attraction."

"Well it should be. This place like a freakin alien planet. Planet Weirdest-Guy-Ever."

"Funny how often you seem to find yourself here."

"At least I'm not its leader."

"No, you're just the leader of Planet Most-Annoying-Flee-Ridden-Wolfboy-Ever."

"Um, Wolf_man_."

"That's the part that bothers you?"

"Will you just take my picture already? A guy doesn't have all day."

"Great. Then eventually you'll go away."

"Look, I cannot leave this room without a photo of Jacob Black. This is actually, like, important."

"You finally need a prison photo?"

"No, man. I'm going to be a model."

"_What_?"

"Yeah, and they need a sample picture to use for my portfolio."

"You have got to be kidding."

"If by kidding you mean completely serious, then yeah."

"You? A model? For what, Twinkies?"

"I don't know, dude, whatever they tell me to model for, I guess. Though probably not Twinkies. A face like mine definitely screams Armani. Or, like, leather couches."

"Jacob, are you sure this is legitimate?"

"What, don't you believe that someone could see me on the street and say, 'That sexy beast should be a model,' and then offer me a job?"

"No."

"Well you should. Because that's exactly how it happened. I was _discovered_."

"Some things should be left buried. Deeply. In cement. You're one of them."

"Well are you going to take this picture or not?"

"I seem to have no choice."

"Great."

"Jacob, what are you doing?"

"Posing."

"Get your foot off my table. And your elbow, too."

"If you would just snap the picture..."

"You look ridiculous."

"That is _not _for you to decide. I just want to show the guy that I'm _flexible_."

"Did this man ask you to model pretzels?"

"No! Dude, just take the photo. I'm getting a neck cramp just standing here like this."

"I'm getting an eye cramp just looking at you."

"Cullen, how hard is it to push a button? I could have done it telekinetically by now."

"I'm sorry, I'm having too much fun."

"You know what, I am taking your camera and asking Bella to take the picture. _She'd_ do it for me."

"Alright, alright. Show me proof that a modeling agency is actually interested in you and I will take this photo. For real this time."

"Fine, here's the guy's card. See?"

"Jacob, this is an art company. They want you to model while people draw you."

"So?"

"Nude."

"Oh. Guess I should have read the fine print."

"You think?"

"This is going to be an interesting photo then, huh Edward?"

----

**Interesting indeed. **

**The review button shouts your name...**


	16. Chapter 16

**Holy cow it's been a long time!! I've actually been hard at work on Novel #1 for quite a while (*sigh* 200 pages and still not finished…) so the arguments have had to wait. But then today I'm sitting in a library and BOOM -- hello Chapter 16. And here we are. Try to enjoy (another weird one lol)!**

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"Jacob, what is that?"

"What do you mean 'what is it?' It's art. Duh."

"Art?"

"Yes, art. Like the Mona Lisa. Or Star Wars."

"I know what art is, Jacob, and _that_ is not art."

"Hey! What do you mean?"

"I mean it looks like something you'd find in a truck engine. That got hit by a truck."

"It happens to be an urn. And I made it myself in Advanced Pottery."

"Advanced Pottery? Is that a class?"

"Yes. For elite clay whisperers such as myself."

"And this urn is _your_ creation?"

"Affirmative."

"Well, that explains why it's deformed."

"Hey! It's a darn good urn. I'm freaking proud of it. Like 'winner of the pie eating contest' proud."

"If I recall correctly, you didn't win that pie eating contest."

"That's because the judge had it out for me."

"Maybe because you _ate_ the trophy before the contest even started."

"Well that's what you get when you make the trophy out of pie."

"Alright, Jacob, I've had enough of you. And your urn. Take it off my coffee table and get out."

"Dude, why do you even have a coffee table? Unless you randomly develop a Starbucks addiction, which is so likely with you being a vampire and all, this table has no better use than to buttress my urn."

"There are plenty of tables in this house. You're not putting your urn on the one next to my piano."

"Why not?! Then you could look at it as you play! And get totally inspired!"

"Sure, inspired to shove my head in the toilet."

"Dude, I am sick and tired of your dog insults."

"Look, Jacob, here is what I want from you: pick up your urn, put it in a box, and Fed-ex back to your house where it belongs. Then follow it."

"That would waste so much postage."

"Get out, now! Before I introduce your urn to the rules of gravity!"

"You are so destructive. Obviously vampires have no appreciation for fine art."

"Oh, yeah. And you un-housebroken wolves are a bunch of Michaelangelos."

"Why do you think we spend so much time naked?"

"You know what? You're right, Jacob. You and your dog friends obviously have a much greater grasp on artistic brilliance than vampires. So take your urn and go show _them_."

"No worries, dude. They're on their way over."

"Jacob! No inviting people to my house!"

"Don't worry, man. We're all werewolves. None of us is going to get eaten."

"Wanna bet?"

"I don't appreciate your threatening tone, Edward. Especially after I've given you this magnanimous gift."

"You know what would be a magnanimous gift?"

"Sheet cake?"

"No! The front door closing behind you!"

"And which side of the door am I on?"

"The one that puts solid wood in between us!"

"But then we couldn't have our talks."

"You're not the brightest bulb, are you Jacob?"

"I try not to think of myself as a bulb."

"I'll tell you what. You can keep your urn here. You can even leave it by my piano for inspiration. You just have to do one thing."

"Alright, what's that?"

"Make sure the wolf pack cleans up the body and has your ashes delivered back here."

---

I'd just like to take a moment to say "THANK YOU FOR ALL THE REVIEWS!!!" Seriously. I mean that. From the bottom of my heart. And the top too.

My friends and I especially enjoy the funny ones. But, ya know, anything goes.


	17. Chapter 17

**Hello everyone! Sorry for the long pauses between chapters, but hopefully you'll forgive me enough to read this next one. Anyone else dying in anticipation of the New Moon movie?? Yep, I pictured Taylor Lautner while writing this.**

Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf

"Edward?"

"Hmm?"

"You busy?"

"Yes."

"Very busy?"

"Extraordinarily busy."

"Oh. Well that sucks."

"How did you guess I was going hunting?"

"Ew, dude, too much information."

"Then stop asking me questions. And go away."

"But I really need your help!"

"It's not my help you need, Jacob. I don't have the proper degrees in psychology. But if you'd like me to give you a reference --

"Dude, I'm serious. My very life depends on your helping me with this."

"Must you always be so dramatic?"

"I'm not being dramatic! This is really important. Like 'hey let's sit down and write the Constitution' important."

"I'm sorry, did you just say you weren't being dramatic?"

"Are you going to help me or not?"

"Alright, fine. If it's so important, I'll help you. But only if you agree to start wearing clothing while you're in my house."

"I'm wearing pants!"

"Is that what those are?"

"Dude, these are very stylish pants."

"They're bright orange."

"Which gives them great visibility for when I drop them in the forest when I morph. Have you ever had to search the forest for your pants?"

"Um, no."

"Well if you did, yours would be orange, too."

"Whatever, Jacob. What do you need help with?"

"You can start by getting changed into something black. And put a ski mask over your face."

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, right. Your hair would probably poke right through a ski mask. Better just use some kind of black face paint instead."

"Jacob, what on earth do you need help with?"

"Nothing much. Just, you know, robbery."

"What?"

"Rob-berrr-eee. Noun. The act of robbing. Why do I have to explain so many things to you?"

"Jaocb, I am not helping you to commit robbery."

"But you said you would!"

"I said no such thing!"

"Please!"

"No!"

"Why?"

"Because I do not commit crimes! And neither should you!"

"But this isn't necessarily a crime! I'm stealing from the rich -- Shop Rite -- and giving to the poor -- me. I'm like the freaking werewolf Robin Hood!"

"Jacob, there is no way I am helping you to rob a Shop Rite."

"But you can be one of my merry men!"

"I would rather be Mary Poppins than one of your merry men."

"At least Mary Poppins would lend a guy a hand when he needs help with a robbery. You are completely unhelpful."

"I'm glad you think so. Maybe you'll stop coming to me for help."

"You know, maybe I will. I can see you don't care at all if I suffer."

"Yes, because I can see you are very deprived."

"Obviously."

"Why on earth did you need to rob a Shop Rite anyway?"

"I just thought, you know, that maybe we could get some pretzels."

"Jacob, you don't need to rob the store to get pretzels. You can just buy pretzels! With money!"

"But that's not everything I need!"

"What else do you need?!"

"Well, you know that really fancy cake Alice ordered for Carlisle and Esme's anniversary party?"

"Yeah."

"I may have accidentally sat on it. And, uh, pretty much ruined it."

"Oh dear."

"But there's another one just like it in the bakery section at Shop Rite, so I went to buy it, but the pastry man said it was for another party! So I thought I could just, like, go in there and rob it! But like you said, I shouldn't commit robbery. So I guess Alice's party will just have no cake."

"Jacob?"

"Yes?"

"Put on a ski mask and get in the Volvo."

------

**Jacob also had to change out of his orange pants.**

**Hooray for a chapter without nudity.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Hi, folks! I guess it's been about a century since I've updated this story, so I figured it was about time to pop out another chapter. Hope everyone is well, and thanks for all your support!**

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"Hey."

"Hey, Jacob."

"I was just wondering-

"Stop."

"I was just wondering-

"_Stop._"

"Edward, dude, it's not polite to interrupt."

"My point exactly. Now please, go join a dog sled team or something."

"Tried that already. I was too big for the harness."

"That's too bad."

"Sure is too bad. I enjoy cross-country journeying."

"Really? Because it seems to me like you never leave."

"I guess it _would _seem that way. Since every time I talk to you I have to waste years of my life wading through your grumpiness before I can get to the point."

"You confuse grumpiness with hatred."

"Oh, come on. You don't hate me."

"I beg to differ."

"In fact, I would argue that you love me."

"Oh, right. Because you can read minds. I forgot."

"Edward, face the facts. You love me. For one, you make me food."

"I make you food so you're occupied for a few minutes and leave me alone. It's not love. It's evasion."

"You let me borrow your clothes."

"Because your constant shirtlessness causes me retinal damage."

"You let me sleep on your couch."

"Because I don't want you sleeping in my bed. Or on the floor. Or on the roof."

"And you don't care if I watch your television."

"Or in the bathroom."

"Come on, it's just obvious you love me."

"Or on the kitchen counter."

"Stop that already! When I'm tired, I sleep. It's something us warm-blooded folks have to do every once in a while, remember? Or has it been too many millennia?"

"For your information, I've only been around for a fraction of a millennium. Not nearly long enough to forget sleeping."

"Long enough to make you a crusty old man incapable of love."

"I'm capable of love. I'm just not capable of loving the disease that goes by the name of Jacob."

"I'm not a disease!"

"You're right. You're a whole plague."

"I can't believe this. You're seriously shattering my world view right now. I thought you loved me."

"In fact, I know a fellow who witnessed the Bubonic plague. From what he described, you and it have a great deal in common. Bearers of misery, consumers of sanity, bringers of chaos. We should start calling you Bub."

"I'm going to start calling you Mr. Block Of Ice. As a metaphor for your cold, cold heart."

"My heart isn't cold, Jacob. I just don't want it to get flees."

"Fine then! I'll leave. Forever. You won't have to see me ever again. I'm going to jump off a bridge."

"You'll survive. And unfortunately you're only suicidal in my dreams. What do you want?"

"Only reassurance of your love."

"What do you want?"

"Money."

"Knew it."

"Just a couple hundred dollars. I crashed my motorcycle and it needs repairs."

"Why should I give it to you?"

"I don't even know anymore, iceman."

"Cheer up, Jacob. Just because I don't love you doesn't mean no one does."

"You're killing me, dude."

"Alright, alright. See the envelope there on the desk? There should be enough in there to cover your damages."

"Really?"

"Because I'd rather you drive your motorcycle than my car."

"Thanks, man. Hey, there's $10,000 dollars in here."

"Jacob, get back here!"

"I knew you loved me!"

**As always, reviews are welcome (I read them compulsively).**


	19. Chapter 19

**Hello! I was rereading **_**Twilight**_** for a bit today, which inspired me to update! Hope your summers have been fantastico. **

"Jacob, I am perfectly capable of orchestrating a date. I do not need your help. In fact, I am actively against receiving your help."

"I just think your whole plan sounds boring. Is that what you want? To bore her?"

"I'm not going to bore her. I'm going to...take her out."

"To that meadow? What do you guys even do there? Mow grass together?"

"No. It's where I...enchant her."

"With your sparkle? That's less than enchanting."

"It's very enchanting, for your information."

"You're a glorified disco ball. How is that enchanting?"

"Think about things that sparkle, Jacob. They're enchanting things. Gold. Diamonds. Stars."

"Aluminum Foil. Hubcaps. Toilet water."

"It is well established that you are not a fan of the sparkling, but you must admit that, sparkling aside, I am still enchanting."

"I watched you eat a deer this morning. It was less than magical."

"But it was still an example of my fabulous teeth, and my subsequently enchanting smile."

"The better to eat you with, my dear."

"And there's my scent."

"Barf much?"

"Of course I don't smell good to you - you're a werewolf. To everyone else, I smell, well, sweet."

"That's what every girl wants - a guy who smells like what you put on your waffles. Dude, the only magical creatures that have a right to smell sweet are Oompa Loompas, and even that is a working condition."

"You're just jealous because you smell like the family pet."

"Only when I'm in wolf form. Aside from that, I smell like Old Spice. In other words, I smell manly while you smell like Skittles. Who's more enchanting now?"

"I hate to break it to you, Jacob, but I'm fairly certain that any female you ask would prefer Skittles over man-scent. I am literally built to be enchanting."

"Oh, right. So that you can eat people. That's really romantic."

"For your information, I have...very rarely...engaged in eating people."

"Okay, in this situation, 'very rarely' still qualifies as a terrifying adverb phrase. In fact, I think it drops your enchantment score, like, another thousand points."

"Where did I lose the first thousand?"

"Somewhere between sparkling and your hair."

"We haven't discussed my hair."

"It speaks for itself, dude."

"Regardless of your opinion of how enchanting I am, I happen to execute _amazing _dates."

"Summarize your date for me again?"

"We sit in the meadow, we listen to classical music in the Volvo, we hang out in a tree…"

"In every one of those events, your date ends up asleep."

"Alright, summarize _your _idea of a date then."

"We ride motorcycles, we jump off of cliffs, we hang out with the wolfpack."

"In every one of thosesituations, _your_ date ends up dead."

"Better dead than hanging out in a tree with Mr. Skittles-Breath."

"I resent that title."

"Just face it: dating you is like dating Benadryl."

"At least when I get out of my pants it's not to run around in the woods."

**Don't be afraid to hit that review button. I'm edging up to 1000 here. **

**Also, feel free to hit my profile page - I put a little message there for those who care to read. Though you are by no means obligated :) **


	20. Chapter 20

**So, I should totally have been packing up for college, but instead I wrote this. Now I really have to pack, because I have to leave in...oh, 20 minutes. Oh boy.**

**_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_**

"Ed-

"Jacob."

"Ed-"

"JACOB. Come here."

"Um, okay. Hey, what's with the knife-OWWWW! Dude, did you just stab me!"

"Yes. Yes, I did."

"Well...why? That really hurt. I mean, you don't just stab a guy-stop laughing!"

"I can't, I can't. Jacob, I'm sorry. I think...I momentarily lost my mind. Or saw the light. I haven't decided yet."

"Did you have to stab _that _thigh? That's my favorite thigh. And _I'm_ sorry, I'm still not quite wrapping my mind around this yet-you _stabbed _me."

"I've been threatening it for a long time."

"_Threatening _is one thing. I mean, threatening is practically a sign of affection."

"I've always considered it a sign of impending violence, but maybe that's just me."

"But actual stabbing, dude, I don't know if we can be friends after this. Can you remain friends with someone who stabbed you?"

"I don't think so. I suppose you'll have to leave."

"No! I think-I think I'm going to press charges. This was, like, almost definitely an attempted murder."

"If I was trying to murder you, I would have done more than attempted."

"Yeah, I'm going to call the police."

"With what phone?"

"My...cell phone."

"You sat on it last night."

"Yeah, but it's not broken!"

"It is so. You sat on it with your humongous thighs and broke it. See, I was doing you a favor with the stabbing. I was lightening your thigh-load."

"I'll use your home phone!"

"We don't have one. And by the time you physically run to the police station, your wound will be healed. I think I have successfully gotten away with stabbing you."

"This isn't fair! I demand to...stab you back!"

"It's not possible. I'm made of stone."

"Then I will chisel you."

"You and what army?"

"Me and the army of my thighs."

"I don't think so. You know, Jacob, not only have I stabbed you, I think I'll stab you any time you ever enter my room again. Ever."

"With a knife, or with your hair?"

"You'll never know. It will be a surprise each time. A stab surprise."

"I think this is the first time you have ever been terrifying."

"I'm feeling good about it."

"I'm going to tell Carlisle on you. No, I'm going to tell _Bella_."

"Please, do. She'll stab you, too. She's still angry with you."

"What? Why? Because of the whole water-slide thing? I promised I'd keep it out of the living room from now on."

"No, because of the cereal incident."

"Oh, come on. That was funny."

"It is not funny to dump a bathtub full of honey on someone and then shower them in Honey Nut Cheerios."

"In my defense, I was only going for Rosalie."

"Doesn't matter. No one in this house is going to come to your defense. You are subject to my stabbings any time you enter this room. In fact, any time you step within a ten-foot radius of me. Or my piano. Or my shampoo."

"But it makes my hair so silky."

"Too bad. Get out."

"Wait, you might want to know something."

"What could I possibly want to know?"

"Something that will make you not want to stab me."

"Oh yeah? What might that be?"

"Well..."

"_Jacob._"

"I peed a little. When you stabbed me. Look, there, on the carpet. I think it's a reflex."

"For goodness sake."

**It disturbs me that I write such things.**


	21. Chapter 21

**So, I feel like blitzing you guys with chapters lately. Hope you like! **

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"What will you give me?"

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

"You can't ask me to do this and promise nothing in return. This warrants at least, like, a few dozen donuts. Or a car."

"Just do it, Jacob. How often do I ask you to do anything?"

"All the freaking time. _Jacob, get your feet off the coffee table. Jacob, stop eating so many bagels. Jacob, buy me another hairbrush and I will literally bite your face off. _You pretty much only speak to me in the imperative."

"Maybe because you only act in the disruptive."

"Maybe because you never have any fun. You put a damper on any kind of fun. You are a dampire."

"And you are an unfair-wolf. Jacob, you owe me this favor six times over. It would be wrong not to do it."

"Owe _you? _You still owe me for last week. You know, when I went to Blockbuster for you?"

"That was an emergency."

"It was _Gone with the Wind._"

"We were really in the mood. And it was sunny outside. It had to be you."

"Right, wouldn't want to get your glimmer on and send the entire town running in terror."

"I am putting up with your snide comments only because I desperately need you to do this for me. Please, Jacob?"

"No! Last time, he...yelled at me. And scratched me with his nails."

"Oh, come on. It wasn't so bad."

"It was. I hated it. I wanted to die."

"You didn't want to die."

"I did! He made me feel...so small. Like a little child. A bad little child."

"I'm sure he didn't mean to make you feel that way."

"Yes he did! That's what he said. _Jacob, you are a bad little child._"

"He's just...competitive."

"He scares me. He scares me like dolls scare me. And war. And Rosalie in the morning."

"What if I made you macaroni and cheese?"

"Don't bring macaroni and cheese into this."

"What if I bought you an iPod?"

"A Touch, or a Nano?"

"A Nano."

"No."

"A Touch."

"No."

"What if I wrote you a song?"

"A song? Would it be about me? Would it praise me?"

"Yes. It would be very praising."

"Would you play it on the piano?"

"Every morning."

"For how long?"

"One week."

"Okay, let me think about this. Yes."

"Alright, deal. Now, you must go immediately. He's waiting."

"Right now? I...I thought I'd have some time...you know, to process."

"I'm afraid there's no time to process."

"Not even 15 minutes of processing?"

"If you want your song you're going to have to sacrifice processing."

"Okay. Okay, I'm going."

"Good."

"I...am...going."

"You're not moving."

"My legs have rejected my decision to move."

"Just go, Jacob!"

"I can't! Please, don't make me!"

"_Jacob!_"

"Please! I don't want to play Risk with Jasper!"

**I imagine it would be terrifying, personally. CHECK OUT MY PROFILE ON FICTIONPRESS!**** I'm currently posting a very long story there. Don't miss it!**


	22. Chapter 22

**HEY EVERYONE! So, as you can see, Arguments has hit the 1000-mark with the reviews! Holy (humongous) cow! Thanks to all who have contributed to that number. I can assure you I'm still the review-horder I always was and greedily read each one. **

**Some more business before we get to the arguing. I published a book today on Amazon and would really adore you if you hopped over there and checked it out. It's called Freefly. For those of you who've been following me for a while, you know that I once had a story with the same title. THIS IS DIFFERENT. Not to be all overconfident and jerky, but this is an awesome story. It's about a flying girl and a guy named Damien who has to protect her from various groups who wanna use her power for evil. If you are interested (I vote for you to be interested!), go to Amazon and type in "Freefly." It's the first thing that comes up. For a direct link and more info, check out my profile. **

**Now, without further ado...**

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"Edward, you there?"

"Hello, Jacob. How are you today?"

"Woah. Someone took their polite pills this morning."

"Blood."

"What?"

"Not polite pills. Blood. I've just returned from hunting."

"That makes you politer?"

"Don't _you_ feel better after you eat?"

"I do, actually."

"Well, then. That's why I am being more polite."

"Huh. Weird."

"What?"

"I think we just agreed on something."

"I think we did."

"I feel happy enough to sing."

"Please don't."

"_Edward and meeee…sort of agreeeeee…_"

"My eardrums just committed suicide."

"_Life is happyyyyyy…after you_…._peeeeee._"

"That's not what we agreed on."

"Eat didn't rhyme."

"It would sort of have rhymed."

"Slant rhyme at best, dude."

"Since when are you Mr. Poetry?"

"Birth. I happen to be a great poet."

"I wouldn't have guessed that."

"Why? Cause I'm not all dark and broody like you? Just cause I can crack a smile doesn't mean I can't spout a sonnet."

"_You _write sonnets?"

"Don't act like it's all impossible. I have an extremely rich inner life."

"Recite one for me."

"What, a sonnet?"

"No, the alphabet. Of course a sonnet."

"You really want to hear one of my sonnets?"

"Perhaps out of the same curiosity that causes one to peer at the scene of a car crash, but yes, I do."

"I'm not getting all poemy if you're going to compare my work to a car crash. Respect, dude. Don some."

"Did you just use the word _don?_"

"I'm leaving."

"Wait a minute, Jacob. Now I'm truly curious. Please, recite one of your glorious compositions for me. I promise I'll stop insulting you."

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Here goes. _Shall I compare thee to a summer's day-_

"You didn't write that! That's Shakespeare!"

"Dude_, _I _was _Shakespeare."

"Excuse me?"

"In a past life. You didn't know that?"

"You've lost your mind."

"I was!"

"Uh huh."

"Are you telling me you don't remember your past lives?"

"Of course I don't remember my past lives. There's no such _thing _as past lives."

"Who says? You? Like you're some…authority on _lives?_"

"_No_, I'm just-forget it, Jacob. I'm not going to argue about this. I just don't believe in it."

"I'm sad for you. You'll never have the satisfaction of remembering all of your lives. Though maybe that's for the better."

"What do you mean?"

"Let's just say I have a gift for seeing people's past lives, and, well, yours aren't looking so good. I think you might have been a ficus."

"This is ludicrous. You need psychological counseling."

"_You _need spiritual counseling."

"I'd rather not have my spirit counseled by _you_, thank you very much."

"At least I know who I was in my past lives."

"How'd you like to find out who you'll be in your next one?"

"First denial, now anger. You're going through the stages of grief. For your lives. And your lost memory of them."

"Or perhaps for the present one's inability to shake a certain _annoying werewolf._"

"You just can't handle being in the presence of Shakespeare. You're intimidated."

"Funny how intimidate rhymes with infuriate, isn't it?"

"_Easy to seeeee…Edward's angryyyy…cause he is stupidddd_."

"Oh, yeah. You're Shakespeare alright."

**I think he could have been. **

**My book! Freefly! Amazon! Check it out! (Proceeds go toward my food supply while I'm in graduate school. *Pathetic face here*) **


	23. Chapter 23

**Another argument before I'm off to school.**

**Check out my book Freefly on Amazon! Go on! Check it out!**

_Arguments Between a Vampire and a Werewolf_

"You know, I _love _lollipops."

"How nice."

"I really do. I love them."

"I'm getting that."

"Their smell, their texture, the way they come on a stick…"

"This is getting romantic."

"Don't you love lollipops, Edward?"

"Am I going to have to actually bite you for you to remember I'm a vampire?"

"I'm not even talking about eating them, dude. I mean in general. Their concept. The fact that someone thought up the idea of putting a little globe of sugar on a stick. The fact that that idea became a reality. It gives me hope about the world."

"_That _gives you hope about the world?"

"Don't mock me."

"You're far too mock-able not to."

"Here I am, baring my soul to you, and you mock me."

"Personally, I think your soul should remain under wraps at all times, but that's just me."

"You know, sometimes I hate you."

"That's a mutual sentiment."

"Dude! _Why _are you so mean? You are _always _mean!"

"Yet you keep returning."

"Can't you see I just want us to be friends?"

"Can't you see I just want us to be separated by my bedroom door?"

"God! It's like you took meanness classes. You majored in meanness, didn't you?"

"I majored in medicine, thank you very much."

"I bet they called you Doctor Mean."

"Would such a title induce you to leave me alone?"

"Face it: I'm the only one willing to put up with you."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm talking about the _real _you. You're nice to everyone else. I'm the only one willing to deal with your real self. Your real mean self."

"Yes, well, my real mean self only reveals itself in the presence of complete and utter stupidity."

"Hey!"

"Finally, I've gotten your attention."

"Don't call me stupid!"

"I'm merely describing what my senses perceive."

"Stop it! You're really hurting my feelings!"

"If only it could be more than your feelings."

"Alright, someone here needs to take some niceness pills."

"Someone here certainly needs pills, but I don't believe it's me."

"You know what you need? A lollipop."

"I don't…eat..._lollipops!"_

"That's the problem right there!"

**Jacob is right – a life without lollipops would cause grumpiness.**

**And hey, I was serious about you checking out my book Freefly on Amazon. Picture me making a sad face at you. Or an angry face. Whichever would be more persuasive.**


End file.
